The Hidden Side of Social Anxiety: You're Not the Only One Who Does That!
Do you ever catch yourself doing "weird" things to cope with social anxiety?
Maybe you pretend to check your phone when walking past a group of people, or rehearse simple interactions in your head multiple times before they happen. Perhaps you've developed elaborate routines before social events that others might find unusual. If you're nodding along, you're about to discover something important: those "strange" coping mechanisms aren't unique to you at all.
The Secret Behaviors We Share
What psychologists call "safety behaviors" – those subtle actions we take to feel more secure in social situations – are far more common than most people realize. Research shows that up to 85% of people use some form of these coping strategies, though most keep them hidden. Here are some surprisingly common experiences that might feel familiar:
Going to events extra early to find the "perfect" spot where you feel less exposed, then pretending to be busy until others arrive
Wearing headphones without music playing, just to feel more protected in public spaces and avoid unexpected interactions
Taking longer routes to avoid passing large groups, even if it means being late or inconvenienced
Memorizing small talk scripts for different situations and rehearsing them repeatedly
Checking your appearance in reflective surfaces frequently to ensure nothing is "wrong"
Having a list of pre-prepared topics or stories ready for any conversation
Always carrying something (like a phone or book) to look occupied when feeling uncomfortable
Why We Keep These Behaviors Secret
Many people hide these coping mechanisms because they worry others will judge them or think they're "too anxious." This creates a fascinating paradox: millions of people are using similar strategies while believing they're the only ones doing so. The shame and silence around these behaviors only reinforces the belief that we're alone in our experiences.
Understanding Your Coping Mechanisms
Here's something powerful to consider: these behaviors aren't signs of weakness or social failure – they're actually intelligent adaptations your mind has created to help you navigate challenging situations. While some strategies might limit your experiences over time, they've served an important purpose in helping you feel safe and maintain social connections despite anxiety.
Think of these behaviors like training wheels on a bicycle. They're not inherently bad or good – they're tools that helped you keep moving forward when you needed them. Just as training wheels help someone learn to ride a bike, these coping mechanisms have helped you participate in social life even when it felt overwhelming.
Moving Forward with Self-Compassion
Instead of trying to eliminate these behaviors overnight, consider these gentle steps for growth:
Notice your coping mechanisms without judgment, trying to understand what specific fear or need they're addressing
Identify which strategies actually help you feel more comfortable versus those that might be holding you back from experiences you value
Experiment with small adjustments to existing coping mechanisms rather than trying to eliminate them completely
Practice self-compassion when you find yourself falling back on familiar patterns
Share your experiences with trusted friends – you might be surprised to learn they have similar strategies
A Different Perspective on Progress
Progress isn't about stopping these behaviors completely – it's about gradually expanding your comfort zone while honoring your need for safety. Some days you might feel ready to challenge yourself, while other days you might need to rely more on your usual coping strategies. Both are perfectly okay and part of the natural evolution of managing social anxiety.
Remember, you're not "doing social anxiety wrong" or "being too sensitive." You're responding to real feelings in ways that have helped you cope, and that shows intelligence and resilience. As you become more aware of these patterns, you can gradually explore new ways of engaging with social situations at your own pace.
Would you like support in navigating these experiences? Our counselors specialize in helping people understand and work with their social anxiety in ways that feel safe and meaningful. Reach out today for a free consultation where we can discuss strategies tailored to your unique needs.
Dr. Philip B. Gnilka is the Clinical Director and Founder of Sequoia Counseling Group, a boutique mental health practice that serves clients in Las Vegas, NV. His experience as a tenured professor in mentoring students about counseling approaches and theories reinforced his passion for helping individual clients directly. He specializes in anxiety, stress management, and perfectionism.