Do You Always Need to be Right? A Pesky Intellectual Cognitive Distortion
Ever caught yourself having to be right in an argument? You’re not alone.
Let’s face it, people like to be right. If you are watching a game show, you want to know (and possibly have others see you have) the correct answer. When someone at work asks you a question, you want to be able to answer it quickly and confidently. If a friend or family member asks us our opinion, we also want to give an accurate answer.
Many of us will also be perfectly fine with admitting when we are wrong or unsure of an answer. There is no expectation of ourselves to know the correct answer every time. There are, however, some people who have a strong drive or need to always be right, even if that causes other difficulties and challenges in their life.
Always being right is a type of cognitive distortion or irrational way of thinking. In this case, a person must always (or almost always) have to be right. People with this cognitive distortion cannot accept that they could be wrong. In many cases, people will go to almost any length to defend their opinion and convince the other person they are wrong. If you’ve ever seen two people in an argument about a news post or political opinion where most would give up the conversation, you have seen this irrational thinking in action.
Remember that cognitive distortions are universal to all of us, though we have different ones we may struggle with from time to time. These distortions are unhelpful ways for us to see the world and eventually can become automatic thoughts if left unchallenged or unrecognized by ourselves. And then cases, cognitive distortions begin to happen so quickly we are not aware they are there. That is why common distortions are also called automatic thoughts.
Examples of always being right
Someone who gets upset and quits a game before it ends
During an argument at home, someone takes the stance that what they remember is correct and your recollection is entirely wrong. Any challenge to their viewpoint of what happened is simply met with defensiveness
Your boss is upset with your work, even though you followed the procedure exactly as specified.
A colleague or partner always has to have the last word
Spending a lot of time documenting that they can prove themselves right
What types of issues are connected to the cognitive distortion Always Being Right?
The need to be right, can lead an individual to become more isolated from others and even lonely. Someone who consistently has this cognitive distortion active in their life may begin alienating others, including family, friends, and colleagues at work. This can also lead an individual to feel judged or possibly attacked by others, resulting in them feeling less self-confident about themselves and more anxious about engaging with others. It also can lead to a lack of trust of other’s perspectives and intentions towards them.
Strategies to Reduce Always Being Right
Remember, everyone has irrational thoughts and cognitive distortions from time to time. The key is to begin to recognize these and take action when we see them in our life. The first step is the start to taking notice when you are saying statements similar to “I am right”. Pay particular attention to your tone. Is it judgmental, critical, arrogant, aggressive? Do you find yourself being short with others and not really listening to their comments? If you feel comfortable, ask a loved one or close friend if you happen to have that attribute at times. Asked them if they ever have have had a conversation with you where they felt you had to be right, or if they avoid conversations with you due to your need to be right.
The next time you find yourself in a discussion, try these suggestions:
Before you respond, take a deep breath. Sometimes a pause really helps us break up our immediate response. It allows us to collect our thoughts as well as be aware of the tone we are using.
Ask the following questions whenever you find yourself trying to convince others you are correct. Note the one bolded and underlined below.
Is it possible my viewpoint is incorrect?
Does it really matter if I win this argument?
Is there a possible shade of gray versus simply a white or black answer here?
Is my want or need to be right outweighing my regard for someone else’s emotions and feelings?
Need more help?
We all have different amounts of time and energy to cope with what comes at us in life. Sometimes things can overwhelm us. If you find yourself arguing and always needing to be right, cognitive behavioral therapy could help. We offer a no-cost consultation session to get you started on the right path. So reach out.
Dr. Philip B. Gnilka is the Clinical Director and Founder of Sequoia Counseling Group, a boutique mental health practice that serves clients in Las Vegas, NV. His experience as a tenured professor in mentoring students about counseling approaches and theories reinforced his passion for helping individual clients directly. He specializes in anxiety, stress management, and perfectionism.