Understanding Gottman's Bids for Connection: Building Stronger Relationships
What Are "Bids for Connection"?
Have you ever shown your partner a funny meme on your phone, hoping for a laugh? Or perhaps mentioned an interesting news article, waiting for their response? These seemingly small interactions are called "bids for connection.” These are simply requests for attention, affirmation, and connection with your partner.
Many people experience a sense of disconnection in their relationships without understanding why. You're not alone if you've felt ignored or overlooked by someone important to you. These moments aren't just minor disappointments; rather, they represent missed opportunities for a more meaningful connection.
Dr. John Gottman's research found that couples who remained happily married turned toward each other's bids approximately 86% of the time, while those who divorced averaged only 33%. This difference highlights how these small moments collectively shape relationship outcomes.
Recognizing Bids in Everyday Life
Bids for connection appear in various forms throughout our daily interactions. Understanding these bids can significantly increase your relationship quality and satisfaction. Here are some examples you might recognize:
Verbal bids
"Did you see this article about the stock market?"
"I had the strangest dream last night."
"My coworker said something that bothered me today."
Physical bids
Reaching for your partner's hand during a walk.
Sitting close on the couch.
A gentle kiss on the neck while passing.
Technology-based bids
Sending a text with a funny gif or emoji
Tagging your partner in a social media post
Forwarding an article you think they'd enjoy
The revelation here isn't just that these moments exist; it’s that how we respond to them significantly shapes our relationships. Research shows that couples who consistently acknowledge each other's bids stay together longer and report higher relationship satisfaction.
Three Ways We Respond to Bids
Most couples respond to bids in three main ways.
1. Turning Toward (Connection)
Your partner shows you a funny TikTok video, and you watch it, laugh, and comment on it.
Your partner texts about a hard day, and you listen and respond with understanding and empathy.
Your partner comments on an article they found interesting, and you take time to look and ask questions about it.
2. Turning Away (Ignoring)
Your partner mentions an interesting podcast, but you continue scrolling through your phone without acknowledging them.
Your partner shares exciting news, but you change the subject to something else.
Your partner asks for input on a future trip, but you don't respond to their email.
3. Turning Against (Rejection)
Your partner asks for help with dinner, and you respond with irritation.
Your partner suggests a weekend plan, and you dismiss it as "we’ve done that before"
Your partner wants to show you something on their phone, and you snap, "I'm busy right now!"
The Digital Dimension of Connection
Technology has created new avenues for both connection and disconnection. Consider these modern scenarios:
Your partner sends a link to an article they found interesting. Do you read it and respond, or let it sit unacknowledged?
During dinner, your partner mentions a new investment they're excited about. Do you ask questions, or continue checking work emails or scrolling social media?
Your partner shares a significant work event via text. Do you respond thoughtfully, or with a quick emoji?
Many people don't realize that digital interactions represent genuine bids for connection. Ignored text messages isn't always a minor thing. It's a missed opportunity for meaningful connection.
Practical Steps to Strengthen Your Connections
Improving your response to bids doesn't require grand gestures. Small, consistent changes make the biggest difference.
1. Practice mindful presence
Put devices away during key times (meals, before bed) to create space for bids to be noticed.
2. Set technology boundaries
Establish "tech-free zones" where devices take a backseat to face-to-face interaction.
3. Acknowledge digital bids
Respond to texts, tags, and shared content with thoughtfulness rather than just quick reactions.
4. Repair missed connections
If you realize you've missed a bid, circle back with: "You mentioned something earlier about your work project, and I didn't really respond given my work schedule. I'd love to hear more about it now."
5. Create intention around connection
Set aside dedicated time for uninterrupted conversation each day…even if it’s just for 15 minutes.
Moving Forward Together
Understanding bids for connection isn't about assigning blame or creating guilt. Rather, it offers a piece of a larger framework that helps explain why some relationships thrive while others struggle. Many people have an "aha!" moment when they recognize this pattern in their own relationships.
If you're finding it challenging to identify or respond to bids in your relationships, you're not alone. Many people benefit from couples therapy to strengthen these connection skills. Our counselors specialize in helping couples and individuals build stronger, more responsive relationships.
Reach out today for a free 15-minute consultation to learn how we can help you foster deeper connections with the important people in your life.